This is more for me to just get my thoughts out, so no need to comment or anything.... Btw, this is all referring to people outside of dA, so if you happen to read through it, it has nothing to do with anyone on here.
Why? Why doesn't anyone ever want to spend any time with me? I try to be nice, I try to not be annoying, but in the end no one ever seems to notice or care. It's not like I have any friends to hang out with! And even the one guy who ever seemed to spend any time with me, my cousin, doesn't seem to want to see me at all. He could have excuses and I try to be understanding whether they're only excuses or not, but I know it MUST be something about me. Because the very few chances I get for him to come over my house, he rarely ever does, and the even fewer chances I get to go over his house, he doesn't say he wants me to come over. I don't know why he keeps being like this. And he won't tell me why. I've asked a few times, but I don't want to seem too pushy about it. Even before his brother had died about a year ago, he seemed this way. I know he must have his own problems, and I know he has his own friends, but still.... What about me? It's immature to be like this, I know, but how else am I supposed to feel when I keep being denied any time with someone who likes the same stuff, by that very same person? He came over to my house yesterday since his mother had some stuff she needed to do I guess, I don't really know the details. But he was supposed to be staying here all day today since that would be how long they'd be gone. But by the time his mother was all set to leave, she asked him if he wanted to stay here or go home since she had to drop off his sister back at their house on her way. He didn't answer immediately, and they were kind of hoping for a quicker answer, but what he said was of course that he'd want to go home. Any time he comes here, it is usually only for a few hours, and only to eat dinner with us really. So for the first time in I don't know how long, he was going to be there for a while. But of course, things never seem to go as planned..... He has friends, nicer stuff, a bigger house, siblings that want to do stuff with him, so what would he need to bother with me for? I'm not jealous, I'm just a little disappointed.
Everyday, it's the same old stuff. Play some video games until I get bored, watch some stuff on youtube, check my dA messages, watch some anime, check some other stuff on other sites. The only things I really have to look forward to are appointments, new games coming in the mail, anything new on the the sites I visit, or holidays. All day basically every day, I just end up sitting at my computer in this room, alone. Maybe the reason why I put up so many anime posters and such is to sub-consciously delude myself that I'm not completely alone all the time.... I'm always the forgotten one, the afterthought, the guy that no one thinks about. Out of sight, out of mind. Unless there is something they want from me or for me to do or if I'm bothering them somehow, no one even seems to acknowledge my existence.... The reason why I usually lock my door is because if they're only going to need me for stuff they want me to do for them, then I'd rather be alone! No one cares about MY happiness, MY problems, what I like, what I want, how I feel, MY opinions, none of it! If it has to do with me as the main focus, count them out!
And since I can't even make regular friends, there is no possible way I'll ever get a girlfriend! I'm going to be lonely forever! Because no one in my family seems to care enough to spend any time with me! I don't get invited places others are going, I don't usually have any real reason to leave my house other than appointments or going to buy something. And even that is rare considering I so often don't have much spending money. I get that I'm not very fun to be around what with my negative thinking and such, but why should that mean I can't find love? Because no girl would ever want a sad guy like me, because if I never go anywhere I can't meet anyone, because even if I did have a girlfriend I wouldn't have the money to support a relationship with her, because I'm lazy and out of shape, because I'm too emotional, because I have no life, because I'm not even very good at the few things I'm any good at, because there are millions of guys much more worthy to be loved than me, because who can love me when I don't even like myself? See how my problems just stack up and lead into other problems? That's how I am. All of my problems are connected and if given the time to think alone, they all pile up and lead to even more problems. And then it isn't long until I start crying... Just like I am right now. Silent lonely tears, so that my uncle won't realize I'm crying and see me as even less of a man than he already does. So my sister doesn't come to me to complain I'm crying too loud. Because my mom always has somewhere else to be with someone, usually my cousin's mom. So even when she IS here, she won't worry. So no one will have to pay me any mind, as usual. Because I'm just a nice enough guy to allow others to ignore my existence so I don't get in their way.
Well, this probably wasted enough time.... Maybe I'll feel like doing something now. Probably not. There's only so much I could be doing and most of it doesn't have anything new most times I check. Just like every other day.
I don't need to be cheered up, I'm fine now. As I'd said, this is all just for my own sake. Venting my feelings, describing my problems, that kind of thing. I've gotten it all out, I'm done crying now, and I'm going to move on with my now-insignificant day.